Here's an entry in a journal I was writing a few months back. I found it relevant to how I feel today. When I speak of death, dying, kill, I mean meta-physically, so don't be worried for my physical health.
Here is the reason I sit. I sit because I can’t be good. I sit here and type this journal because I know there is a better way. I have much to discuss with God and much inside me that needs to come out, but I haven’t a clue where to begin. So I sit and I type as a testament to my defeat. A testament to the things that have come to pass. I am a sinner saved by grace. Hook line and sinker. That’s it. There’s a chosen few who were blessed to bring the message of the gospel to those in the world who have never heard it before. God blesses a small number so that they can bless the rest. Therefore here I am as a blessed one who is supposed to bring the message of God to those who haven’t heard it before. And there I am at that junction that I hate, hate, hate to be at. The junction that apparently the rest of mankind has been around, resisting since the beginning. The junction of being sent out. The root cause of course is disobedience. And what did God just hours ago tell me to do. Obey him. He specifically asked me to obey him. And what have I done so far as my acts of obedience. Sin. So I’m stuck. I really am completely and utterly stuck. And no I’m not saying that to get God to help me. Or even because I’ve said it before and believed it to be true. It’s true that I believed it before and it was true before. But I always had inside my head a reason to go on. A thing that said “you don’t believe that do you?” That said, “No, you can still find a way to obey what God is saying to you on your own.” And there it is. ON YOUR OWN you can do nothing! I’ve heard this message before. But here I am trying to type my way out of a bottomless pit. Even typing will only make my mind more tired of trying to figure a way out of this. Obedience on your own will never work. Children try and fail many many many times. And what makes you think you’re anything greater than a child? Who said you could be anything greater? There is a pride in you David! A pride of figuring it out. Drop the pride and just believe in me! Drop the pretense of holiness that you so love to hold. Drop who you know you should be and die! Die, DIE! There must be a way through that thick skull of yours. YOU NEED TO DIE! Ok, God. Kill me then. Desecrate my self. Kill it kill it kill it and I will be free. For nothing is going to work unless you intervene. KILL ME GOD. I am willing to die for freedom from all these chains. What chains you ask? The chain of self love. The chain of self-preservation. The chain of ignorance. The chain of self-hate. The chain of self. The chain of deception. The chain of wrong desire. The chain of alone-ness. You are going to be made free David, once you want to be made free. Well God I want to be made free.
